Thank you to those who’ve joined the 30 days to a better booty challenge! I’m excited to see how everyone enjoys the program! I had a different post planned for today. But as life seems to go these days, I didn’t have time to research and prepare for it. So it got pushed off to some time in April or May.
Over the last few days I’ve realllly been struggling. And last night it all culminated for me. I was frustrated with Instagram. I was frustrated that my house looked a mess. I was frustrated that after dance class, I was running around like a chicken with it’s head cut off trying to get my kids fed, all while the baby screamed, Little A asked about 756 times when her dinner was going to be ready and I hadn’t the slightest idea of what I was going to eat.
That’s when I felt like I’d had enough. Last night, I just felt……defeated. So I took the night off Instagram and instead I vacuumed and cleaned my hardwood floors. And I gave my kids a long bath. And I took a shower. And I read with my girl and let her sleep in bed with me.
This week has been hard. Having Kellen gone is honestly about to do me in. We’re two weeks in to a 5 month assignment and I am ready to throw in the towel and move us to Wichita to be with him. I’ve found myself sobbing on multiple occasions, feeling completely at a loss for what to do and how to make this all work. Being with the kids 24/7 with no help is HARD. I don’t have a nanny, or a housekeeper, or a gardener or any alone time to speak of. I can barely get a 15-20 minute workout in before EJ starts fussing in his corral wanting to get out. Which means he immediately heads to the stairs, or into the bathroom to play in the medicine cabinet. At times I feel like I’m doing awesome, and other times I feel like I’m losing myself and barely keeping my head above water.
In reality, it’s not like we’re just 2 weeks in. We’re going on 7 months of continuous travel for Kellen. He’s been gone more than he’s been home. And I don’t know if it’s the stage of life my kids are in, but they are wearing me out. My patience is slim and I honestly feel like the worst mom ever right now.
Thank God for my parents! They have been so supportive and have been coming over to help as much as they can, but still, being without help most of the time is rough. I honestly don’t know how military families do it for a year. Or how single parents do it. If any of you are reading this, y’all are rock stars in my book.
So last night I called grace. I decided that now isn’t the time to think about all the things I want to accomplish; because they probably won’t happen. Now isn’t the time to focus on growing by leaps and bounds with my blog or even on Instagram. Now isn’t the time to think I can be all things to everyone. Because I just can’t.
Now IS the time I need to be giving my children extra attention. I need to be focusing extra hard on their well-being, as well as mine. I need to be thinking about how I’m going to make each day special for them. I can see it on both of their faces and hear it in my daughter’s voice. This time with daddy away isn’t easy for them. Little A, especially, is struggling just like I am. And it just about breaks me at times. The mornings she’s woken up asking if daddy was home. The evenings she’d ask him on the phone if he’s coming home tomorrow. It brings me to tears. My heart hurts for them.
So yep, I’m calling grace because right now I want to make sure my children understand that just because Daddy isn’t home all the time doesn’t mean they are less loved. I want them to know that they are important. I want to savor my children while I have them. I want to make them feel safe and loved. I want them to know that they are the most important things in my life. I don’t want them to ever feel like they are a burden.
And I want to make sure I have actual ME time. I want to give myself time in the evenings to just relax and maybe read a book or watch a show. Or hell even go to bed early. These next few months aren’t going to be easy on any of us. So I’m giving myself grace and remembering that this time with my kids being little is limited and they are my number one and who gives a shit if the housework doesn’t get done or of I only write one blog post a week. When I die I’m not going to wish I’d worked harder during this time. I know that for a fact.
EJ is turning one next week and honestly, it is breaking my heart that he’s not going to be a baby anymore. I know some moms can’t wait to get out of the baby phase. But I miss him being little. I miss snuggling him when he wasn’t so squirmy, trying to get down and crawl. I miss how he’d just stare at me and smile and laugh. He still does that, but usually it’s while he’s running away from me trying to climb something. I want to savor the curious mind Little A has. She’s reading like a champ and I’m loving listening to her learn new words and grow into the most beautiful little girl. I want to hold my children as much and as long as I can. I want these moments to be embedded in my memory because they are so fleeting, and I don’t feel like I’ve been doing them justice. I want to be better for them. They deserve the best.
So I’m sorry if I’m not as present in this space as I used to be; at least for the next few months. I will still try to post once or twice a week. And it may take me a bit longer to respond to emails or read blog posts. But I’ll be spending that extra time making sure my littlest loves are being cherished and that my needs are being met.
I sat here writing this post in tears. I miss my husband desperately and wish we could be together more often. I keep saying it’s just a moment in time; which it is. But when you’re in the moment it’s never easy. This phase that we’re in will be great for our family in the long run, we just need to get through it. And I know we will; and we’ll grow and learn so much from this experience.
Thanks for all your continued support. Love you all so very much!